The Second Annual Unofficial Team Mom’s Christmas Gifts for her Beloved Bleus

I had so much fun playing Santa Claus last year that I thought I’d do it again! Gentlemen, here are my Christmas gifts, picked out and wrapped up special, just for you! (And again, if you don’t celebrate Christmas, just nod and say thank you, and remember: It’s the thought that counts.)

For Fabien Barthez: A lifetime of warm, silky sand and a soft landing playing Beach Soccer for France.

For Vikash Dhorasoo: The ability to spend the rest of your life self-employed — possibly in film-making — so you don’t have to deal with other people who want you to do things you don’t want to do. But you should remember, Vikash: There is no “I” in “Team.” Unless you’re speaking French. In which case… Well, never mind.

For Lilian Thuram: Either the strength and stamina and speed to lead France to victory in the Euros, or the wisdom and grace to move to the next successful phase in your life before they happen. Our hugs and love go with you, regardless.

For David Trezeguet: The athleticism and flexibility required to bend over and kiss whatever part of Raymond Domenech is required to get you back on the team. And the skills to capitalize on the opportunity once you get there.

For Nicolas Anelka: A Champions League team you can stick with through the end of your career, and a permanent place on the NT where you can continue to nurture the youngsters.

For Philippe Mexes: I’d love to give you a spot on Domenech’s roster, but I don’t think my gift-giving ability has that kind of power as long as you’re playing in Italy. So how about a life without need of Rogaine?

For Thierry Henry: The ability to keep slamming home those goals for France. (Make Karim and Company really WORK to break your record.)

For Patrick Vieira: See: Thuram, Lilian. Oh, and Patrick? I’m taking back last year’s present. The new elastic for your shorts has been a disappointment. Let’s just go back to the way things were, shall we?

For Karim Benzema: A lovely little angel to sit on your shoulder every night while you sleep, whispering, “Stay at Lyon… Stay at Lyon…”

For Hatem Ben Arfa: See: Benzema, Karim.

For Francois Clerc, Jeremy Toulalan, Mathieu Bodmer, Sebastien Squillaci, and Sidney Govou: The same gift I’m giving Karim and Hatem. Although Sidney’s a little older and more…experienced. So his angel can be in lingerie.

For Coach Raymond Domenech: A sense of humor for the Italian press. Although… Where would the fun be if they got your jokes? So never mind.

For Florent Malouda: A brand new French-to-English translator.

For Willy Sagnol, Julien Escude and Gregory Coupet: Bodies that hold out through Euros and beyond.

And last but never least, for Zinedine Zidane: An entire life spent with Zizou in the public eye.

Oh! Wait! I need that one back. That one wasn’t meant for you. It was for the rest of us.

And for these guys and all the rest: My personal thanks for making this the team I’m still madly in love with.

Allez les Bleus!!