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The Unofficial American Team Mom’s Christmas Gifts For Her Beloved Bleus (and Materazzi, Too!)

December 14th, 2006 | By: Laurie | 12 Comments »

I just love bestowing holiday gifts on my loved ones. (And Materazzi.) So guys, here you go!

For All the Anonymous Trashers of Thierry Henry: Lumps of Coal! All of you! Because how lame and boring is it to blog about anonymous comments? (Oh, wait. It’s actually been a whole lot more fun than all those for-the-camera make-happy sessions we usually see. So never mind.)

For Thierry Henry: A new tool! From Ronco! It slices! It dices! It deflates those pesky, annoying melons énormes!! (Bonus Gift: Here’s hoping that in 2007 you receive the present of nobody else in the world finding the humor I do in the phrase “melon énorme.”) Oh, and once that melon is deflated? I’m hoping to toss in some of those soccer awards that you really do deserve.

For Raymond Domenech: Whips, chains, stun guns and duct tape, to keep Les Bleus in line, what with all the pouting and sulking and suspicion that will be going on after those anonymous melon comments. (And I won’t tell the Fair-Play Award anti-violence people.)

For Vikash Dhorasoo: An audience for your lovely, melancholic, headbutt-free little art film. And a lifetime supply of Body Nair.

For Barthez: A signed contract. Even if it is with a team that currently sucks. (And no spitting at the referee this time. I mean it, Fabien.)

For Djibril Cissé: A milk mustache and a lifetime supply of Fosamax.

For Patrick Vieira: New elastic for your shorts. Or at least some interesting boxers to liven up the view.

For Nicolas Anelka: A full year with one club. (What a novel concept!) And a 2007 in Bleu showing all of us how delightfully bad you can really be.

For Trézéguet: A “Men In Black”-type memory erasing device that can wipe all thoughts of 2006 from your mind forever. (Well, maybe it can leave in some Juve stuff and that Faroe Islands game. But that Coup de Boule song is so gone.)

For Coupet: Health, happiness and well-being that lasts through World Cup 2010. And a coach who won’t hold your astrological sign against you.

For Zidane. Ah, Zizou. Where do I start? How about a clown wig and Groucho glasses so that nobody will recognize you the next time you slip out for a little tryst? And a copy of Headbutt, The Video Game. And a great huge Team Mom hug for spending so many years being so freakin’ wonderful.

And last, and least, for Marco Materazzi: An alarm clock, set to go off when your fifteen minutes of fame are up. Oh, wait, what is that I hear right now?

And for every single Bleu — player, coach, and staff, past, present and future: A huge thank you for a wonderful year, and for making my obsession with your team so exciting and enjoyable!!

(Oh, and one more. For my Sister-In-Blog, Martha, for sharing both my unusual sense of humor and my completely out-of-proportion amusement with the phrase “melon énorme“: Your own personal soccer superstar with the skills and sweet, furry looks of Luis Figo. You deserve it.)

(And for those of you who are Muslim or whatever… Well, no offense intended. Just take the gift and say thank you, okay?)

Tags: Player News, Team News

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Comments

By Martha | December 14th, 2006 at 3:00 pm

Aw, thanks! I can confidently say that is BY FAR the best gift I’ll receive all year. (Apart, of course, from the melon énorme I got from my mom.)

Posted from United States

By Curry Chicken | December 14th, 2006 at 4:26 pm

HAHAHA! Who needs Jolly Old Nick when you’ve got Laurie from the USA? I hope the boys pay you back in proper footie format…a Euro Cup sounds lovely.

And since I’m in the spirit, I want you to check out these two video from dailymotion. I don’t speak French, but I hope you do.

This interview is from Le Grand Journal. Willy Sagnol (looking suave) and Franck Ribery (THE HORROR! THE HAIR!): http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xgvqa_ribery-le-grand-journal-2-oct-06

This is Flo ‘Cheekbones’ Malouda and Eric ‘I love the touchline’ Abidal on Cauet’s show. Fun. They giggle, give one word answers and get all nervous everytime Zizou is brought up…and generally act adorable. And they say Henry’s the cute one. Pshaw.
http://www.dailymotion.com/visited/search/cauet%2Babidal/video/xcoiw_malouda-et-abidal-a-la-methode-caue

Posted from Canada

By Laurie | December 14th, 2006 at 5:04 pm

Martha, I knew I had lobbed you a softball. Thanks for not disappointing.

Posted from United States

By Sam | December 14th, 2006 at 5:42 pm

Laurie - I know the gift you want the most is to see Anelka put on that Renault Sucks shirt, but seeing as that’s NEVER EVER EVER TIMES INFINITY PLUS ONE, I guess I can’t give you that. Of course, I have the power to make it happen, but I don’t feel like it.

But I will say that I’ve enjoyed our time as France-blogging colleagues so far, and I hope we keep it up!

Posted from Canada

By Martha | December 14th, 2006 at 6:44 pm

Glad to oblige, Laurie. We’ll make this site THE destination for lovers of melon énorme or die trying!

And, Curry, I will now spend the rest of the night playing in Daily Motion. Damn you.

Posted from United States

By Luis | December 16th, 2006 at 5:50 am

I have wet dreams of ROnaldo naked diving from a waterfall.

Posted from Canada

By Laurie | December 16th, 2006 at 3:41 pm

Curry, it is just KILLING me to not be able to view those videos. We’re currently one of the million in Seattle without power, plus we have a fifty-foot tree on our house. But I’m more depressed about not being able to purloin a wifi signal for long enough to watch your videos!!

By Curry Chicken | December 16th, 2006 at 9:40 pm

No! That’s horrible. I hope your safe and your family is as well. Damn it, this isn’t the way I’d have wanted to imagine your holidays. I’m praying for you sweetie.

Posted from Canada

By Sam | December 17th, 2006 at 6:51 pm

Laurie: Here’s the link to the Barthez interview:
http://www.eurosport.fr/football/mc_vid31618.shtml

Posted from Canada

By Laurie | December 17th, 2006 at 7:11 pm

Thanks, Sam! If I ever get a computer back, I’m going to watch it. (I’m now coming to the end of my hour of library computers and I’ll soon be…

By Laurie | December 17th, 2006 at 7:21 pm

Actually, I have seven minutes left. So, Curry, thanks much for the kind thoughts. We’re all okay and our house seems to have minimal damage. Plus our house may be 46 degrees, but we still have hot water. (Gas water heater.) And we’re not among those stupid enough to bring generators and barbecues inside to keep warm, so we’re still alive. It could be a lot worse. But I AM in internet withdrawal, and my France page login info is stored on my own dark computer, so I can’t even brighten my day by posting Bleus News. Soon, though!!

By The Second Annual Unofficial Team Mom’s Christmas Gifts for her Beloved Bleus - France | December 13th, 2007 at 7:23 am

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Posted from United States

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